[This is a continuation of our marriage and family testimony. If you would like to read the first three parts, click here: Part One, Part Two, Part Three.]

Part 4: Being on the Same Page – Peace is Possible! (by Nikki)

I have to be honest with you – each time Andy and I have come together to write the next part of this testimony, we have tension over how to communicate things that are so personal and close to our hearts. The tension materializes because we have such different personalities, and therefore different ways of telling our story! This whole process has given us yet another opportunity to practice one of our most defining habits in our marriage!

We call it – “Being on the same page”.

This important routine came about because the first years of our marriage were filled with disappointments and unmet expectations that we simply didn’t know how to talk about. By God’s grace we pulled together, instead of drifting apart, and came up with a plan – let’s talk, let’s listen, and let’s do what we BOTH have peace about. With finances, parenting, ministry, work, and basically every aspect of life. God brought us together to be a team, and we discovered how we could work together like one!

This wasn’t easy! You see, in our early years of marriage we tried to talk and listen, over and over again. But we would usually end up disagreeing in some way, and ending our “talks” with a lack of peace. These early themes of conversations centered on our overall direction and life purpose, and how to take steps forward to achieve goals. We didn’t understand that God wanted us to be on the same page, that His plan – and gift – was for us to have peace. Every time. Not necessarily automatically, but at some point before moving forward, we were to be on the same page and at peace with one another. He knew that this peace would bring about the closeness and deep friendship we both desired.

As Christians, we find this peace first in knowing Jesus, and then in following Him in all that we do. Jesus Christ is the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6) and His gift to us is His peace (John 14:27) – especially in this world where we face many challenges! We came to understand that God gives us this peace not just with Him, but also for our marriage relationship. Now that we have kids, it is a gift to our family too. When having peace became the standard we strove for, we began to seek “same-page-ness” in all things.

“Make every effort to do what leads to peace and mutual edification.” (Romans 14:19)

“For he Himself [Jesus] is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility.” (Ephesians 2:14)

“How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity!” Psalm 133:1

“May the God who gives endurance and encouragement give you a spirit of unity among yourselves as you follow Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.” Romans 15:5-6

“Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.” Colossians 3:15

Here is how it works for us. Every single day there are many decisions to be made as a family. These decisions have to do with timing of events and commitments, when to eat, responsibilities of work, school, friendships and life. And there are five of us now, so these decisions have to blend and operate for everyone together. It’s a fundamental conviction and mutual commitment we’ve made: we agree on what, when and how we are “doing” our life each day. Being on the same page requires a plethora of communicating, as you can imagine! It requires patience to wait for peace. This may sound cumbersome and inconvenient, but it is like second nature to us now. Inhale, exhale. We don’t even consider it is something we are doing – it’s breathing! Likewise, we don’t even consider that we are getting on the same page. It now happens so fluidly.

This habit brings incredible joy to us! In big decisions, such as Andy going to back to graduate school, and smaller decisions, like how are we going to spend our Saturday, we know we are on the same page and are rarely surprised and hurt by life’s events. We eliminate the place for blame, since we agree on decisions together.

Recently, with our rather important decision to return to Niger as long-term missionaries, our family “same-page-ness” was crucial, so we waited for His peace. It took an entire year for us to be on the same page! But the waiting and seeking are always worth it. We are thankful to God for giving us this conviction, and we count it as one of the most important ways He has kept us growing together.

Of course, this marriage habit is in process and growing along with us as we journey through life together. I hope we don’t sound as if we have it all figured out! But we have found some ways to stick together and love each other more deeply, and that is definitely worth sharing!

Part five, our final “chapter”, coming soon.

 

Back to Niger Progress Report:

Monthly Financial Support: 27%
(Goal $7,500/month) Current: 31 monthly partners = $2,000 /month

One-time Financial Support: 28%
(Goal $80,000) Current: $22,100

(This is a continuation of our personal marriage and family testimony. If you would like to read Part One, written by Andrew, Click here, or Part Two, written by Nikki, Click here.)

Part 3: By Andrew

A Marriage Essential: Forgiveness

In our first years of marriage, Nikki and I were learning how to work together as a team. The process continues to this day. We each had high expectations for ourselves and each other. I had my desires and expectations and Nikki had hers. Our motives were good in that we essentially wanted to do the right thing. But somehow we would fail each other. Then would come our explanations, excuses, tension, silence, and withdrawal.

Being offended by one another was common and we voiced our hurt with comments like:

“I feel like I have to be perfect”

“Why are you being so sensitive?”

“Why did you say it that way?”

“You don’t understand me”

How we handled those moments would either bring us closer together or push us apart. Would we hold on to our excuses and good intentions or would we apologize and ask for forgiveness? And then we had to live-out the challenge: would we actually forgive?

 The truth in our story is that Jesus Christ has been the force behind our ability to ask for and receive forgiveness. Without Him in our lives, and in our marriage, we wouldn’t naturally choose to humble ourselves. We would hold grudges, pretend nothing happened, cover up hurts, and slowly drift apart.

Colossians 3:13 reads, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” We had to consider God’s standard. If He has forgiven us in all our failures with Him, shouldn’t we do the same for each other?

I’m not saying that it always comes easily! The decision can be costly. But when forgiveness takes place, there is a closeness that is indescribable. Somehow we find ourselves in a better place being stronger and having more understanding of each other.

God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Financial Progress Report:

Monthly Support: 24%
(Goal $7,500/month)
Current: 28 monthly partners = $1,800 /month

One-time Support: 25%
(Goal $80,000)
Current: $19,975 

(This is a continuation of our personal marriage and family testimony. If you would like to read Part One, written by Andrew, Click here.)

Part Two: By Nikki

Matthew 20:28 — “…just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

We left our story (part one) at the point where I (Nikki) was thriving in Young Life ministry, and Andy was struggling. We were newlyweds, but it wasn’t very honeymoon-ish! Although we were best friends, and my respect for Andy’s character and love for the Lord were still intact, I began to wonder what to do with this man who felt discontent and unsure of the next step? I wanted to spend my life with someone who would serve God and live a faith-filled life with me – and Andy was without-a-doubt that man. But at that moment, things were not shaping up how I had hoped or envisioned. And in all honesty, I wasn’t prepared for what to do about it.

Regardless of how Andy was feeling about life – I came to realize that I needed to learn a lesson. I was living for me, I wanted “the perfect life”. I believed that marriage would catapult me to a whole new place of happiness, prestige, advancement, etc. I didn’t imagine what sacrifice and service for a thriving marriage would look or feel like. I sure didn’t understand the cost!

I recognize now that I was idolizing Andy and looking for him to fulfill my needs. Through our immediate trials, God was teaching me that my spouse didn’t simply exist for me, but that we are a team to help each other along. I was forced to deal with very real emotions of disappointment and anger. But God was forging character. He was giving me a chance to serve, to be compassionate, to slow down, to learn how to truly love another person unselfishly. Ultimately, I learned how to turn to God for my fulfillment, not Andy, and not a so-called “perfect life”.

This process wasn’t pretty, (or easy!). And did I mention that it is on-going? I’m still learning! However, the habit of living for another, instead of myself, was becoming an essential ingredient in our marriage foundation.

In truth, this heart-change happened because Jesus brought the victory. Aside from God’s intervention, no one can “change themselves” to become a better wife or husband at a heart level. A spouse sees through all that behavior modification. But Jesus changed me from within. Now that is a marriage foundation you can build on!

(Part three arriving in your inbox in two weeks!)

 

[We recently sent this out in paper form to our mailing list. Yes, snail mail. We will be continuing this “series” for a couple of months, in an effort to share our lives a bit more, and give others a chance to know us, and even possibly join our support team. Thanks for being part of this blog community!]

If you’ve known us through the years, you would probably say we have a strong marriage, a united family, and a genuine desire to serve others. You’d be right! 

However, behind the scenes these 18 years, we struggled and battled and fought to keep our marriage from deteriorating. The journey has often been rough and uncertain. Somehow, we managed to cling to Jesus, and He made the rough roads smooth (Luke 3:4-6) and our weakness into strength (2 Cor. 12:9-10).

The challenges of marriage, and the rewards of overcoming them with Jesus, are an important motivation for us in our return to Niger.

Here is our story, so you will better understand why we desire to walk with others through the hills, valleys, and plateaus of marriage and family life.

Part One:  By Andrew

It was the Winter of 1994, and I was a new man. I was free! Alive again at 22 years old. Why? For the first time in 10 years, I was released from football. Throughout my life, God had used sports to shape and mold me. Lessons about hard work, commitment, and character were forged. Sports – football being paramount – had given focus to my life, something to pour myself into. Sports’ teams provided excellent friends and influential mentors. Many times, the competition brought me to a place of needing Jesus. With sports came the unknown (“how will I perform?”), and times of being stretched beyond my comfort zone (“will I fail?”). Often, I felt weak and needed someone, bringing me to reach for God’s comfort. At the end of the day, though, my success in sports had become an idol that I could carry no longer. In particular, football was ‘the most important thing in my life’. The pressure I felt was suffocating to the point of despair. Joy and freedom finally came when I sensed God saying to me, “Walk away from all of that. I have something new.” So, happily I marched away with my best friend Jesus.

The next two years were invigorating, life-giving! I found joy and could breathe again. I grew in confidence and maturity away from the football field. Jesus was My Everything. I began to spend time with Nikki (whom I had known since our freshman year in college), and our friendship grew. She was in a similar place of joyfully following Christ, and the synergy of our faith deepened our bond. Our mutual desire for an uncommon life-lived-for-Jesus unfolded into a dating relationship, and then engagement. One mentor of ours said something like this, “You two will be an amazing team – you have so few hindrances.” Would this be true?

During our engagement, Nikki moved to Eastern Washington to begin work in youth ministry with Young Life. Since I was not rooted in my job at the time, I moved also, to be near her as our wedding day approached. And this is where the “happy” story began to change. I was now in an unfamiliar town, with unfamiliar people, with a less-than-ideal job, feeling stretched and without clear purpose. It didn’t take long to hit an emotional low. I no longer felt peace and security. Instead, I felt weak, average, and discontent. And for Nikki, the new me was confusing, and disappointing. Not exactly a marvelous starting point for our marriage!

To be continued… (Part Two coming soon!)

__________________________________

We will be continuing our testimony, “Behind the Scenes”, here and through our e-mailing list. We’d love to share with you the rest of our story! You can follow this blog by signing up with your email address, or you can contact us to get your name/email address on our email list!

nikkigray3@gmail.com

 

Back to Niger Progress Report:

We are headed back to Niger! To find out about our ministry in Niger click HERE. To find out about how to give financially to help us get there, click HERE.

Here is how things are going so far:

One time needs: 15%

Monthly financial support: 15%

 

The #1 question of the hour these days: Ebola?

Is the Ebola crisis affecting our plans to return to Niger?

Thank you for your concern and love (if you are among the many who have recently asked us about this!). We have been closely watching the events unfolding, as you might imagine. Two of the Americans infected with Ebola are SIM missionaries (our mission agency), and West Africa is close to our hearts. The pictures on TV and stories of the death toll are very real to us, not so “far away”.

Bottom line: We are still planning to go to Niger. We trust our SIM team leaders in Niger to inform us if it is unsafe for our family to move there at this time.

We have always known that moving to Africa is not the safe thing to do, but what God is leading us to do. It is a calculated risk to live anywhere where disease and war are present, and one that we do not take lightly. Our mission agency has been in Africa for over one hundred years, and we really mean it when we say that they care about us and care about our family. We trust them. And we trust God to guide us in this. We will be careful, but not fearful.

The International Director for SIM recently wrote this statement regarding the whole idea of taking risks and missions work (specifically in response to the situation in Liberia):

“Firefighters don’t run from burning buildings and police don’t stand by while people suffer. Our missionaries are no different. For 120 years, we have followed Jesus’ example of serving the poor and needy in some of the most difficult places in the world. We continue to share the good news of Jesus and serve the medical needs of people in Liberia because it’s what the Lord has called us to do.”

I love that. Our hearts resonate with that thinking.

Knowing these facts is helpful too:

• Niger is nearly 1400 miles from Liberia and Sierra Leone, the two most devastated countries fighting Ebola.
• Niger is a country with an arid (dry, desert) climate, making it much less hospitable to an Ebola outbreak as we are seeing in the coastal countries.

Thank you for praying for us and please continue! Pray even more for the people of West Africa, for the Ebola virus to be stopped (miraculously!), for the aid workers to have courage and be protected from sickness. Pray for hope to arise amidst the tragedy, for hearts to be open to the marvelous Love of Jesus Christ.

What seems to us to be a desperate situation is not impossible for God. May our prayers be heard and used by God to accomplish the impossible.

Who doesn’t need another t-shirt? (Well, probably most of us!) But perhaps you have room for one more? We have just the one!

Gray Family T-shirt – an image of Africa, with a heart placed where Niger is located. The Acacia tree hovers above the continent, in it’s characteristically protective way, with roots going down into the “soil” of Africa. (The design was created by Dawn Vanderstoep, a dear friend of mine.)

Men’s 100% cotton: small, medium, large, x-large, 2x-large

Women’s cut 100% cotton: small, medium, large, x-large

(sorry no youth sizes)

$20/each (plus $2 for shipping)

All profits will go toward our one-time needs – travel, language school, and settling costs once we are back in Niger.

Order and Payment information: email nikkigray3@gmail.com  to order. Make checks payable to “Andrew and Nikki Gray” and mail to 2223 80th Street East, Tacoma, WA 98404. We are sorry that you cannot receive tax deduction for this purchase.

If you have any questions please email me (Nikki) at nikkigray3@gmail.com.

We have been back in the USA for one year now.

We have been adjusting, processing, praying, and waiting.

Waiting to see and hear from God about our next steps.

And it appears that our steps will be looking a little bit like these…into reddish brown sand again. We would love to share the details with you – we recently sent our “update” letter via snail mail. If you did not receive this letter, and would like to (via email or postage) please let us know! 

Email: andrew.gray@sim.org / nikki.gray@sim.org  (or simply comment to this blog post)

The information on this blog has been updated to reflect the new work we will be doing long-term in Niger.

Visit the Ministry page to read the details of this new work: Marriage and Family Ministry.

Visit the About Us page to read updates on our family from this year.

If you’d like to know how to support us, visit the Give page.

We added some of our favorite photos from Niger to the Niger page.

And our updated contact information can be found on the Contact page.

Thank you for following our journey!

With love from us all, The Gray family – Andrew, Nikki, Nathaniel, Jonathan and Ruth

I’m finding it hard to grasp words for the feelings going on inside, to describe the things I’m seeing outside.

We are back from Africa now. Power is on. Water flows from taps into my glass to drink. Vegetables and fruit are free from essential bleach washing. And green things grow everywhere I turn.

It is wonderful to be home in the USA! (Here are some pictures of our Atlantic ocean dip before heading to the west coast.)

And yet…

There are people who have changed me, changed us. Black people and white people. People with education and people illiterate, people clean and people dusty. Young and old.

Our family will never be the same. And here are the beautiful reasons why…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Last year we had “Dorm Survivor Day” on May 1 (a holiday in Niger, so no school).This year we changed things a bit —  two dorm teams competed in the Amazing Race: Niamey 2013!

I will let the pictures speak for themselves, but the challenges were:

1) Three Sisters mountain climb (team tied together as they climb the mountains looking for clues), 2) Market Mania (team had to buy certain items with only a little cash), 3) Ameoba (one team throws water balloons to the other team tied together), 4) An all-out city photo scavenger hunt – even “uncle Andy” was hiding!, and 5) Water challenges at the Gaweye Hotel pool! I’ll let you know who “WON” at the end of this post…(can you feel the suspense?) Enjoy!

And the winner is…… Team S.W.A.G. (stands for something I honestly can’t recall!) by a slim margin over the Villagers!

Before coming to Niger I rarely took time to read blogs. I simply had enough going on in my life (and I love to read books) that I couldn’t figure out how to squeeze in the reading of one more thing.

Now, here I am, keeping a blog about our journey to Africa as a family… what a difference a year and half can make! I have ventured to make this a place where you could learn about our time of serving here, as well as get inside the mind & heart of one first term missionary. It is strange to write things for an unknown audience – I hope it has been beneficial!

Now that we are nearing the end of our term, and aren’t sure of the future yet, I find myself struggling to make sense of the journey we’ve taken. I’m hopelessly hungry to understand “the big picture” of things, and it is a serious discipline for me to “enjoy the moment’  because I’m already looking ahead to the next step or analyzing one we’ve previously taken. This isn’t a good thing, mind you…I’m just being honest!

I often wonder about things like…

Why are we in Niger, of all the countries in the world?

How does this fit with my “calling”? (And what IS my calling, anyway?!)

How will God use these experiences in the lives of others I know and love?

Was this just for me and my family?  

Will we live here again?

Did I learn all that God wanted me to learn while we were here?

… Maybe you can relate to those thoughts and questions too? I figure no matter where you live in the world and no matter what you are doing, those types of questions come to mind.

“The secret is to find contentment with the unexplained”. I read that in a devotional by Amy Carmichael recently. Yes, however…easier said than done! 

But the truth of that statement resonates in my heart.

Much of the experiences from our time here will remain unexplained, at least for a time. Will I find contentment with that? I am not guaranteed answers to all of my questions.

Lately, as I’ve had my moods and emotions and highs and lows (sorry, Andy!) regarding the immense challenges we’ve overcome, trying to “figure it all out”, I eventually find myself back to the beginning: we felt a stirring in our hearts to “go”, we pursued an opportunity that presented a need, and we did whatever it took to make it happen. Hear and obey. Fairly simple.

On a journey…

Oh Lord Jesus, steady my heart and give me contentment with the unexplained. Help me to rest in the satisfaction and joy of following You on this incredible journey!

 

“We have no right to judge where we should be put, or to have preconceived notions as to what God is fitting us for. God engineers everything; wherever He puts us, our one great aim is to pour out a wholehearted devotion to Him in that particular work. Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with thy might.” – Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest